The War Within Me:

Let me start off by saying, this will not be easy for me to reveal about myself. 

Hi. My names Elsa, and I am utterly and completely uncomfortable in my skin. I am not here to throw a pity party, I just simply want to share with you my view and inspiration behind a lot of what I do. It was not up until I started getting older did these insecurities really start to take a hold on me and started to surface, and with the recent and reoccurennt  spats and back and forths with not so friendly people , it has definitely put a damper on how I feel and perform  in front of the lens, to know that I had trusted someone I worked with in the past to photograph me a few times, and this person goes in and literally destroys my already hurt confidence, or what I had left, in  a few sentences.

~you are ugly, you should never model, I do not know who told you to model

~you look like a man

~you are way too skinny (thats my favorite one)

~"you ugly old ass bitch" (Verbatim)

~you are not pretty enough

~your work is garbage, you will never get booked

~ You will never be shit.

I still refer to the texts and screenshots when I am having an off day, and they invoke feelings of sadness, almost like sometimes i find truth in their statements.. 

Now... these are all things I was told by someone who used to photograph me and someone I respected and trusted up until about July when I was basically black listed off of a private photographer  page with out being warned, and posts were being made in reference to me. After a few assaults from people I did not even know, threatening me, going on my profile because my "photographer" sent them to taunt me, calling me names,( on three seperate occassions) I decided, you know what you win this little petty battle" but you will not win the war."The war is that I'm ok with knowing and accepting that I am flawed, and I am no where near perfect, and its ok, and I find beauty in that. I know I have a strong face on camera, I know to work my angles, , I know I may not be as thick as everyone wants me to be, I know I may not be everyones cup of tea, but to tear someone apart and taunt them when you are an adult and it is part of your job description as a photographer (female at that) to make other people feel good, completely goes against everything you are supposed to stand for. You can make your point without having to resort to bullying someones appearance and calling them names and attacking them.Thanks to bullies like this  I have not gone back in front of the lens never mind have another photographer photograph me because I do not want to go through feeling that way about myself again, I do not want to be picked apart, i do not want to feel like they are talking about me behind my back, about my work, about my appearance, about my weight, about my strong face, I do not want to be bullied into feeling that I cant be comfortable in front of the lens but for right now, that is just the way it is, and the way it has been for months. I have completely shifted my focus.

On the contrary.. I do, however, have a particular passion to make things extra ordinarily beautiful, i never want someone to feel the way that i now do about myself. As a photographer, its my job to make people feel good, to make people feel confident, and to build a trust there, its important. once that trust has been broken its hard. I feel like i will constantly be judged. 

How I fight back? through my work with others, and my bonds and relationships, trust, I build with my subjects. It makes for something beautiful to happen in front of the lens. I cant fathom making someone feel bad about themselves after they trusted you to make them look good and feel good. I myself got into modeling now in my thirties because I lost my spark and I wanted to feel beautiful again, it is sad when someone can take that feeling  away from you.. If I can feel beautiful through my work,and help others translate their beauty, that will suffice for me. Its almost as if I feel beautiful through all you beautiful people. 

 But with that said, I vow to put my all into making everyone I meet and come across in my photography journey feel that they can trust me 100%. I vow to make everyone feel beautiful, I vow never to pick anyone apart and judge, and I promise to deliver quality product with a good intent behind everything I accomplish with the name 1UP Photography.

I love you all. Thank you for taking the time to read this, and thank you for the continued support through my photography journey.